27 year-old burgeoning star Dennis Sureswith, best known for his oscar-nominated turn in “The River has no Bottom” as well as his standout performance in “Fartbusters 4: The Wettening,” recently stunned industry insiders when he revealed his commitment to method acting. In preparation for his role as Derek Somersberg, survivor of a traumatic car accident who goes on to vanquish an alien uprising, he had an actual tracheotomy performed on himself. “I felt I wasn’t really getting into the role as deep as I wanted to,” Sureswith told reporters at the film’s Cannes premiere, “So I told (producer Elizabeth Winegarten) to just stab me in the throat.”
After only two weeks with his new throat hole, Sureswith attested that while the procedure had greatly helped him act the role, his extreme method acting had also delivered unexpected benefits. As he told a stunned group of reporters at one of the several Cannes press junkets, “My Trache scar can talk. His name is Jean-Jacque and he’s French.”
The press pool, struck by an understandable wave of incredulity, questioned whether such a thing could even be possible. Melissa Vicontin, Dutch reporter with The Associated Press, exclaimed “How is this possible?” In response to the question, Sureswith’s tracheotomy scar replied, “Con comme ses pieds, it simply is! Why must you question, eh?”
This reply brought guffaws from the French press in attendance, which only grew as Sureswith joined the conversation. “I don’t speak any French, I have no idea where this is coming from.” At this, Jean-Jacque quipped “Of course you don’t, you are too stupid for French, tête de noeud.” This response left the French press in further hysterics, and inspired an abrupt career shift on the part of the young American movie star.
Currently, Sureswith is remaining in France, touring the countryside as a comedy double act, “Jean Jacque et l’âne,” which roughly translates to “Jean-Jacque and the donkey. The American star’s family and friends haven’t heard from him in weeks, leading many to believe foul play is afoot. This controversy is the most remarkable to hit Cannes since Terrence Malick revealed that he has an extra face in the back of his head named Boris Dimitrov.