Guide: Modern Mime Routines

by: Andrew Halter

1. Piloting a Remote Control Helicopter

This is one of the more subtle uses of mime technique, in which the performer holds his hands parallel to each other, roughly 2-3 feet apart, scanning the sky for an invisible flying machine.  One can also open his or her mouth in amazement and excitement, occasionally becoming concerned that the imaginary helicopter will crash, only to be relieved when it does not.

2. Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Waving Tube Man

The Mime splays his or her arms wide, holding them rigid and unmoving, only to suddenly reverse directions suddenly.  The mime’s face should be completely without expression, suggesting the personification of an inanimate object.  If any small children are near, the mime could suddenly throw his arms toward them, hoping not to make them burst into tears.

3. Suicide

The mime should first pretend to sit at a desk and write a confessional note, making sure to emphasize with his or her finger the tears running down their cheek.  Then, standing up, the mime can slip an invisible noose over their neck, throwing the other end of the rope over an imagined overhead pipe. With hands clasped together in front of them, the mime could weep briefly into their own folded hands, before pretending to dangle lifeless from their own imagined suicidal rig.  Possibility: suddenly spring to life, grinning widely and ensuring any audience that it was all a ruse.

4. Mass Shooting

This act requires at least 15 mimes, as one will portray the shooter and the others his or her unfortunate victims.  All the mimes should begin together in one group, until one of them upholds an imaginary machine gun and begins to murder many of the other mimes.  There should be at least 10 imaginary casualties, with the shooter making sure to shudder his or her body rapidly as if jostled by machine gun fire.

5. Donald Trump Speech

The mime stands as if before a podium, making sure to indicate with hand motions that he or she is enormously overweight.  The mime could gesticulate wildly with his or her hands while occasionally standing openhanded as if asking the crowd a question.  Depending on what part of the country the mime performs this routine, it may end with a final triumphant Nazi salute.

Guide: Modern Mime Routines

News: Dummy Falls Down on his Stupid Face in Front of Everybody

Dummy Falls Down on His Stupid Face in Front of Everybody

by: Andrew Halter

Chicago, IL — Andrew Halter, fledgling journalist and part-time stand-up comedian, looked like an idiot last Thursday when his right toe clipped the curb in front of the Walgreens at Foster and Lincoln, causing him to drop his bag of candy and painfully exclaim “Dammit!”

Most of the 11 bystanders who witnessed the event declined to comment on how foolish Halter seemed, brushing Swedish Fish off the same jeans he wears everyday, preferring instead to look at the sky as though they’d not witnessed Andrew’s humiliation.

“Yeah that was pretty funny I guess,” remarked David Grant, local father of five, after witnessing the doofus peel himself off the asphalt.

Immediately after falling, Halter tried to gather himself as quickly as he could and walk away, though he could not hide the painful limp in his stride.

When authorities attempted to reach Halter for comment, he yelled “I don’t know what you’re talking about!” before slamming into the nearby Lincoln bus stop kiosk as he attempted to hurry away.

Upon hearing him walk into the bus stop, Margaret Atwood, grandmother of twelve, was unable to keep herself from audibly guffawing at the silly boob as he hobbled down the sidewalk toward his apartment.

“I’m sorry,” Atwood explained as she attempted to cover her mouth with her right hand, “it was funny, I feel bad for him though.”

Douglas and Jerry Ignacio, local high schoolers who also witnessed the disturbance were less kind, remarking that “(the) bit*h better watch where he’s going.”

Reports say that after he got back to his apartment, Halter turned off the lights and watched Fargo on Netflix under his heavy comforter, vowing to never again mention the occurrence.

 

News: Dummy Falls Down on his Stupid Face in Front of Everybody

Poem: Politics on November 3, 2016

Stare at blank

in a page, haunting reflection failures

stare back, beaming alike

with gods and machines’

waste piles, shining a headlamp sheen

wherefrom we know not, the sun and our ghosts,

in the screen of yesterday, must be

them that make it bright

with their droning, fliers of warwords

turning the cheeck of disdain, at least two

with deaf dumb cronies

alongside, not knowing that it won’t

make a difference, at all.

 

So what?  As in all pursuits

from effort is progress, there are days spent

over the furnace workshop

dank of sweat, to figure out that

some are good and some are bad

now as ever, but how can you tell

from the faces of the faithful

about what they know

and why, does it grow

like a fetus or flower

like a sickness, so that all eyes point

the same direction, the curious balance

humanity strikes is beautiful.

 

The scheme of things is speckled

with outliers wanting more, discipline and comfort

progress and spirit

love and death, they wear all disguises

though we know who they are

in the daylight, which will someday come

I hope, there is the knowledge

that god is a mean, nothing more

than energy, keeping us in a lane

to the abattoir, I feel a hope

is my spirit preserver, through boons and lulls.

 

The point is everything will happen

as it happens, then it will have happened

again and again, so the important thing

is a scoff denoting flippancy, signaling the end

of a long dark tunnel, finding graffiti

where you can and adding

to it a shining pegasus, imprinting

that feeling of triumph

in your dreams, it’s all in the becoming

who you are, the cool mellow dude

who can spin a story

of the 2016 presidential election, and the horror

or the heaven, and who can (know or) remember?

Poem: Politics on November 3, 2016

Poem: The Third Debate

In my throat, ashes and bile

watching this shit on the networks

internet forums and Facebook, I assume

exiting this cycle will feel as fire

from within, a chemical burn

seeming like our own fault, we all earned and asked for

this partisan shitstorm, bullshit spilling

communally into a great bowl.

Poem: The Third Debate