Hello, my name is Gunther Meyer and I am a fifth generation Nazi, born and bred, and I have some helpful hints to help fun, exciting fascists spruce up their homestead. Whether you are a country boy holding an informal cross burning/barbecue, an enterprising young business mogul sprucing up his home for a meeting of the minds, or just a simple laborer who wants to lend his living space that touch of Überzeugungskraft, these are the things to know:
1. Swastikas Galore! I’ve said it before and I will say it again, you can never have too many of the Fuhrer’s favorite piece of graphic symbolism. The mass of right angles perfectly expresses the rigidity of our shared worldview and the folded appearance of the design tells all unwanted persons to stay away. One caveat, however, is that it is possible to overdo it, so be careful. While a giant Swastika made of 1250 smaller swastika’s, as I designed for an Alabama corn farmer’s 250 acre farm in 2007 is a wonderbar testament to the dream of a new world, 250 swastika posters on the roof of a tumble-down cottage is in terrible taste. Know your limits, mein liebshin.
2. Beware Curves: Though many of our youth have been seduced by the comfort of a smooth, slight curve, do not be tempted, for it is only in the severity of right angles that we can see our future. I have had clients in the past fear that their children might slip and fall onto my designs, injuring them perhaps greatly, but I have told them that this is how children learn. Every bruise, scrape and scar your children suffer falling into the corner of a wall or a door in your home will be a lesson that they carry, making it less likely that they will fall again. Also, as an added bonus, Jews are notoriously clumsy-footed, so if you have the misfortune of having one as a guest, they might fall and hurt themselves. Also, Swastikas have many right angles, so win win!
3. Deny Comfort: It is well known that sleep is the refuge of intellectuals (Jews) and homosexuals, so it is imperative that you avoid like the plague any form of padding and every source of warmth. While a fireplace is a lovely centerpiece for any entranceway, there should be no nearby places to recline, as to soothe your aching extremities is to admit weakness, and our superiors would not approve. Fireplaces are to be used to heat the home and to burn perverse literature, nothing else. Also, hanging above a fireplace is another ideal place for that most perfect design, a Swastika!
4. Pay Tribute: It goes without saying that portraits of der fuhrer are an absolute must, with three being the minimum number of tributes to the man who started it all, but it is also right and proper to honor lesser known members of the reich. A few suggestions: A nursery would be well suited for a portrait of Artur Axmann, who led the hitler youth through the glory days. Joseph Goebbels is an absolute must, as he was the big man’s absolute favorite. Adolf Eichmann deserves a place in your front room, as he was chief architect of the final solution and a handsome devil with a charming smirk.
5. Discourage Imagination: Any encouragement of creativity might serve to lead people, especially impressionable children, toward the evils of philosophy and art, so the use of color must be strictly regulated. Ideally, you should only use black, white, and Hitler’s favorite shade of red. If you are unable to acquire enough of this exact paint however, it is only imperative that you stick to red and black. If the ubiquity of this color scheme upsets you, you would likely be in the need of some re-education, and I recommend slamming your fingers in a door so that you are reminded of liberalism’s pain.
I hope these helpful hints can aid you in your quest for true purity and glory, Mit herzlichen Grüßen, Gunther Meyer