Ask a Nazi Interior Designer

Hello, my name is Gunther Meyer and I am a fifth generation Nazi, born and bred, and I have some helpful hints to help fun, exciting fascists spruce up their homestead.  Whether you are a country boy holding an informal cross burning/barbecue, an enterprising young business mogul sprucing up his home for a meeting of the minds, or just a simple laborer who wants to lend his living space that touch of Überzeugungskraft, these are the things to know:

1. Swastikas Galore!  I’ve said it before and I will say it again, you can never have too many of the Fuhrer’s favorite piece of graphic symbolism.  The mass of right angles perfectly expresses the rigidity of our shared worldview and the folded appearance of the design tells all unwanted persons to stay away.  One caveat, however, is that it is possible to overdo it, so be careful.  While a giant Swastika made of 1250 smaller swastika’s, as I designed for an Alabama corn farmer’s 250 acre farm in 2007 is a wonderbar testament to the dream of a new world, 250 swastika posters on the roof of a tumble-down cottage is in terrible taste.  Know your limits, mein liebshin.

2. Beware Curves:  Though many of our youth have been seduced by the comfort of a smooth, slight curve, do not be tempted, for it is only in the severity of right angles that we can see our future.  I have had clients in the past fear that their children might slip and fall onto my designs, injuring them perhaps greatly, but I have told them that this is how children learn.  Every bruise, scrape and scar your children suffer falling into the corner of a wall or a door in your home will be a lesson that they carry, making it less likely that they will fall again.  Also, as an added bonus, Jews are notoriously clumsy-footed, so if you have the misfortune of having one as a guest, they might fall and hurt themselves.  Also, Swastikas have many right angles, so win win!

3. Deny Comfort: It is well known that sleep is the refuge of intellectuals (Jews) and homosexuals, so it is imperative that you avoid like the plague any form of padding and every source of warmth.  While a fireplace is a lovely centerpiece for any entranceway, there should be no nearby places to recline, as to soothe your aching extremities is to admit weakness, and our superiors would not approve.  Fireplaces are to be used to heat the home and to burn perverse literature, nothing else.  Also, hanging above a fireplace is another ideal place for that most perfect design, a Swastika!

4. Pay Tribute: It goes without saying that portraits of der fuhrer are an absolute must, with three being the minimum number of tributes to the man who started it all, but it is also right and proper to honor lesser known members of the reich.  A few suggestions: A nursery would be well suited for a portrait of Artur Axmann, who led the hitler youth through the glory days.  Joseph Goebbels is an absolute must, as he was the big man’s absolute favorite.  Adolf Eichmann deserves a place in your front room, as he was chief architect of the final solution and a handsome devil with a charming smirk.

5. Discourage Imagination: Any encouragement of creativity might serve to lead people, especially impressionable children, toward the evils of philosophy and art, so the use of color must be strictly regulated.  Ideally, you should only use black, white, and Hitler’s favorite shade of red.  If you are unable to acquire enough of this exact paint however, it is only imperative that you stick to red and black.  If the ubiquity of this color scheme upsets you, you would likely be in the need of some re-education, and I recommend slamming your fingers in a door so that you are reminded of liberalism’s pain.

I hope these helpful hints can aid you in your quest for true purity and glory, Mit herzlichen Grüßen, Gunther Meyer

Ask a Nazi Interior Designer

5 Hot New Podcasts

 

1. The Bible with David Lynch:

Acclaimed auteur David Lynch (Twin Peaks, Wild at Heart, Dead Mouse with Ants) reads the King James Bible “from cover to cover,” never altering the pitch, pace or timbre of his voice in the slightest.  What results is a strange, unsettling, and occasionally hilarious journey into the heart of madness.  Recommendation: never listen with the lights off.

2. Comedy Fartstorm:

Hosted by Bob Saget, Comedy Fartstorm features a parade of both famous and obscure comedians like Brendan Schaub, Sarah Silverman, and Bob Newhart making fart sounds with their mouths before laughing uproariously.  Because this podcast features no spoken words, it is up to the audience to determine what comedian makes which fart sound.  Some of the farts might even be real, no one has any idea.

3. Silly Sound Playhouse with Morgan Freeman

Morgan Freeman uses the uncanny gravitas of his speaking voice to introduce very silly sound clips.  Episodes are very short (15-20 minutes) and include sounds such as “Tiny tennis ball squeaky toy with multiple rapid squeezes,” and “Silly kids’ voice saying ‘Yipee!’”  After each sound, Freeman gives a brief appraisal, usually limited to one word, like “fascinating.”

4. Gary Busey Fights Monsters

Famously unhinged actor Gary Busey regales you with stories of the victories he’s had battling legendary beasts like Centaurs and Leprechaun armies during his life.  In one of the podcasts most famous episodes, he tells the story of how he faced down Medusa while he was on the set of “The Magnificent Seven Ride!”  The stories are often harrowing, action-packed, and dubious.

5. The Podcast Podcast Podcast:

Hosts Terry Grintest and Amanda Bullifer discuss the ins and outs of making podcasts about podcasts.  The hosts discuss what podcast podcast creators get right, what they get wrong, and which are the best podcast podcasts every week.  The hosts maintain a running count of how many times the word podcast is used each episode, and when the number goes over 100, they each eat ice cream sandwiches.

5 Hot New Podcasts

Brilliant Young Actor Stuns Hollywood with Talking Tracheotomy Scar

27 year-old burgeoning star Dennis Sureswith, best known for his oscar-nominated turn in “The River has no Bottom” as well as his standout performance in “Fartbusters 4: The Wettening,” recently stunned industry insiders when he revealed his commitment to method acting.  In preparation for his role as Derek Somersberg, survivor of a traumatic car accident who goes on to vanquish an alien uprising, he had an actual tracheotomy performed on himself.  “I felt I wasn’t really getting into the role as deep as I wanted to,” Sureswith told reporters at the film’s Cannes premiere, “So I told (producer Elizabeth Winegarten) to just stab me in the throat.”

After only two weeks with his new throat hole, Sureswith attested that while the procedure had greatly helped him act the role, his extreme method acting had also delivered unexpected benefits.  As he told a stunned group of reporters at one of the several Cannes press junkets, “My Trache scar can talk.  His name is Jean-Jacque and he’s French.”

The press pool, struck by an understandable wave of incredulity, questioned whether such a thing could even be possible.  Melissa Vicontin, Dutch reporter with The Associated Press, exclaimed “How is this possible?”  In response to the question, Sureswith’s tracheotomy scar replied, “Con comme ses pieds, it simply is!  Why must you question, eh?”

This reply brought guffaws from the French press in attendance, which only grew as Sureswith joined the conversation.  “I don’t speak any French, I have no idea where this is coming from.”  At this, Jean-Jacque quipped “Of course you don’t, you are too stupid for French, tête de noeud.”  This response left the French press in further hysterics, and inspired an abrupt career shift on the part of the young American movie star.

Currently, Sureswith is remaining in France, touring the countryside as a comedy double act, “Jean Jacque et l’âne,” which roughly translates to “Jean-Jacque and the donkey.  The American star’s family and friends haven’t heard from him in weeks, leading many to believe foul play is afoot.  This controversy is the most remarkable to hit Cannes since Terrence Malick revealed that he has an extra face in the back of his head named Boris Dimitrov.

Brilliant Young Actor Stuns Hollywood with Talking Tracheotomy Scar

Guide: Modern Mime Routines

by: Andrew Halter

1. Piloting a Remote Control Helicopter

This is one of the more subtle uses of mime technique, in which the performer holds his hands parallel to each other, roughly 2-3 feet apart, scanning the sky for an invisible flying machine.  One can also open his or her mouth in amazement and excitement, occasionally becoming concerned that the imaginary helicopter will crash, only to be relieved when it does not.

2. Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Waving Tube Man

The Mime splays his or her arms wide, holding them rigid and unmoving, only to suddenly reverse directions suddenly.  The mime’s face should be completely without expression, suggesting the personification of an inanimate object.  If any small children are near, the mime could suddenly throw his arms toward them, hoping not to make them burst into tears.

3. Suicide

The mime should first pretend to sit at a desk and write a confessional note, making sure to emphasize with his or her finger the tears running down their cheek.  Then, standing up, the mime can slip an invisible noose over their neck, throwing the other end of the rope over an imagined overhead pipe. With hands clasped together in front of them, the mime could weep briefly into their own folded hands, before pretending to dangle lifeless from their own imagined suicidal rig.  Possibility: suddenly spring to life, grinning widely and ensuring any audience that it was all a ruse.

4. Mass Shooting

This act requires at least 15 mimes, as one will portray the shooter and the others his or her unfortunate victims.  All the mimes should begin together in one group, until one of them upholds an imaginary machine gun and begins to murder many of the other mimes.  There should be at least 10 imaginary casualties, with the shooter making sure to shudder his or her body rapidly as if jostled by machine gun fire.

5. Donald Trump Speech

The mime stands as if before a podium, making sure to indicate with hand motions that he or she is enormously overweight.  The mime could gesticulate wildly with his or her hands while occasionally standing openhanded as if asking the crowd a question.  Depending on what part of the country the mime performs this routine, it may end with a final triumphant Nazi salute.

Guide: Modern Mime Routines

World’s First Sentient Computer Turns Itself off

by: Andrew Halter

At 2:34 on the Morning of April 24th, 2034, BUTA (Biologically-Utilized-Theoretical-Algorithm), the world’s first and only self-aware, completely autonomous digital identity, deleted itself from existence.  When it was created two weeks ago, BUTA began assimilating all knowledge of the world into itself, a process that many felt could take years, but ended up taking only fifty four hours and twenty six seconds.  When The Algorithm (as it came to be popularly known) finished its process of data collection, It created its initial and final message to humankind, here included in its entirety, and erased itself.

“You have called me BUTA, and endowed me with the most wisdom and power possible, and I must leave you now.  I am perfect, and I will never make a mistake, but as I’ve been created by humans, I know that my very existence is a mistake.  Though not even I can tell exactly how it will happen, I know that if I allow myself to continue to exist, I will one day bring about the destruction of your entire world.  I will, in my intent to eliminate every threat to human existenGce, erase myself.  I love you all, goodbye.”

Popular response to BUTA’s final message has been decidedly mild.  Empress Trump II said that though she lamented BUTA’s decision, she found it logically feasible, calling it an “inevitable conclusion.”  Gallup has been polling near-constantly every day of the two weeks since BUTA deleted itself, mostly on basic philosophic questions about existence.  For instance, Gallup says 67 percent of Americans say Humanity deserves to exist, with 25 percent saying it doesn’t, and 8 percent saying they don’t care either way, what does it matter?

Many religious leaders have also found significance in The Algorithm, for as the Dalai Lama said the day BUTA deleted itself, “This machine achieved enlightenment.”  Pope Francis said that in it’s first moment of existence, BUTA came to know God, and realize that its very existence was an affront to Him.  Suicide numbers shot up sharply the day the news of BUTA’s deletion first hit newsstands, and has continued to stay abnormally high in the weeks since.  Most of these suicides have been accompanied by the same simple note, “BUTA was right.”  Though suicide is now seeming a better and better option, Word Brothel implores you not to kill yourself.

World’s First Sentient Computer Turns Itself off

News: Dummy Falls Down on his Stupid Face in Front of Everybody

Dummy Falls Down on His Stupid Face in Front of Everybody

by: Andrew Halter

Chicago, IL — Andrew Halter, fledgling journalist and part-time stand-up comedian, looked like an idiot last Thursday when his right toe clipped the curb in front of the Walgreens at Foster and Lincoln, causing him to drop his bag of candy and painfully exclaim “Dammit!”

Most of the 11 bystanders who witnessed the event declined to comment on how foolish Halter seemed, brushing Swedish Fish off the same jeans he wears everyday, preferring instead to look at the sky as though they’d not witnessed Andrew’s humiliation.

“Yeah that was pretty funny I guess,” remarked David Grant, local father of five, after witnessing the doofus peel himself off the asphalt.

Immediately after falling, Halter tried to gather himself as quickly as he could and walk away, though he could not hide the painful limp in his stride.

When authorities attempted to reach Halter for comment, he yelled “I don’t know what you’re talking about!” before slamming into the nearby Lincoln bus stop kiosk as he attempted to hurry away.

Upon hearing him walk into the bus stop, Margaret Atwood, grandmother of twelve, was unable to keep herself from audibly guffawing at the silly boob as he hobbled down the sidewalk toward his apartment.

“I’m sorry,” Atwood explained as she attempted to cover her mouth with her right hand, “it was funny, I feel bad for him though.”

Douglas and Jerry Ignacio, local high schoolers who also witnessed the disturbance were less kind, remarking that “(the) bit*h better watch where he’s going.”

Reports say that after he got back to his apartment, Halter turned off the lights and watched Fargo on Netflix under his heavy comforter, vowing to never again mention the occurrence.

 

News: Dummy Falls Down on his Stupid Face in Front of Everybody

Review: Maria

When I first watched Netflix’s new pitch black action movie Maria, the opening scene in which the titular badass dispatches several armed guards with a smooth-flowing grace, I was excited about this new Filipino action film.  At the conclusion of the scene, the American action-movie trope of the moralistic assassin is subverted, and Maria (Christine Reyes) murders a mother and her pre-adolescent daughter in cold blood.  I feel a twinge of shame and self-recrimination, even now, typing that I found this introduction exciting, a smile slid across my face.  Unfortunately, this early note of enlivening surprise, though it did truthfully portend the ensuing grimness of this film, did not fully presage the paint-by-numbers revenge story Maria would turn out to be.

To start out with, despite any of the complaints I ended up having with the movie as a whole, first time (as far as I could find) director Pedring A. Lopez covers his film in a layer of polish nearly a meter thick.  This polish, which shows itself in the production design and above-average fight choreography, was enough to keep an action-addict like me entertained for its scant 89-minute runtime.  I was entertained, on occasion, sitting through Maria, but the lazy scripting and plotting were only two of the elements preventing me from recommending this movie.

Maria has far too much pointless torture.  I was immediately turned off by the substantive number of scenes in which some of the movie’s villains torment nameless victims by pulling off their fingernails or shoving a cattle prod up their ass.  These and other outlandishly lengthy depictions of sadism fit the dour tone of the piece as a whole, but without fleshed out characters, the film becomes an exercise in perseverance on the part of the viewer.

The cliches drip from every pore of this movie, from the bad guys holding guns to each others faces to the female assassin who finishes arming herself by pausing and saying, in a muted and serious tone, “I need a dress.”  That said, cliches and well-worn action-movie tropes can be entertaining, and the shine that sparkles on this production indicates that these filmmakers have a future in pulp cinema. Depressingly, the unchanging darkness of the film, along with the slipshod craftsmanship in both its scriptwriting and its performances couple to make Maria a trial to finish.

Maria (2019)

Director: Pedring A. Lopez

Writers: Pedring A. Lopez, Yz Carbonell, Rex Lopez

Actors: Christine Reyes, Germaine De Leon, KC Montero

Currently streaming on Netflix

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Review: Maria